Not very funny

 Spotted by my daughter outside Lanes of London, a "concept" restaurant attached to London’s Marriott Park Lane Hotel. Not very funny really, but you certainly need a sense of humour if you intend to dine at Lanes, "Purveyors of London Fayre", since a meal for two will cost at least £100, including pricy drinks and 12.5% service. 

And what is this concept restaurant's  concept? Street food! If I fancied street food I’d buy and eat real street food in a real street. I wouldn't pay Lanes prices to eat poncy pimped-up versions of street food at a marble table with a starched napkin on my lap, sipping wine from a selection that starts at £28 for a bottle of run-of-the-mill plonk.

Don't sit on the fence

Are you unsure how to cast your vote in the UK's 2014 European Parliament elections? This public spirited sign is clearly there to encourage to you make up your mind.

Not a door?

Or, as René Magritte might have said, “Ceci n’est pas une porte”

Plus ça change

When my wife was a secondary school teacher many years ago she had the unpleasant experience of being threatened by a knife-wielding pupil. 

If this sales promotion — seen in a store in Atherstone, Warwickshire — is anything to go by, teachers still face the same risk. 

Black-only parking

This apparently racist sign can be seen in Calgary, Canada. 

If you are a White permit holder, a First Nations permit holder or an Asian permit holder, you presumably have to find some other place to park between 6am and 5pm on weekdays. 

(For those who don't understand my reference to "First Nations", it is Canada's equivalent of the USA's "Native Americans".)

Thanks for the warning

Sidmouth invaded by triffids

Well maybe not triffids, but almost as dangerous, if the Sidmouth Herald is to be believed.

  

According to this worthy local newspaper, the town has been invaded by feral onions that have reduced tourists to tears. Visitors are lulled into a false sense of security because “the tiny plants resemble a meadow of pretty white wildflowers”. But they are actually illegal immigrants  from the Mediterranean — “Allium triquetrum, part of the same family as onions and garlic” — and “they give off a potent pong which is wafting across Sidmouth forcing disgusted tourists and locals to hold their noses”.

  

“Worse still,” the paper continues, “the smelly interlopers are actually wiping out native species like the bluebells, a distant cousin, that carpet much of the town’s pretty lawns and promenades.”

But not so slippery now

Newbiggin-by-the-Sea, Northumberland, UK

Some people go both ways

These signs (two from the USA and one from Greece) remind me of Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz. When Dorothy wonders which road to take, Scarecrow says:“Pardon me, this way is a very nice way . . . . It's pleasant down that way, too . . . . Of course, some people do go both ways.” 

Inconsistent use of apostrophe's

Such sloppy signwriting! After PIE'S, PASTY'S and SANDWICH'S, how did the signwriter manage to omit the apostrophe from CAKE'S? 

I'd rather use tongs

I love fresh baked bread products but, because of hygiene concerns, I have always been wary of selecting loose rolls from self-service displays. This sign seems to confirm my suspicions. 

Nearly new infants for sale

Sadly, I didn't become aware of this local advertisement until late afternoon, by which time it was too late to buy myself a second-hand infant.

Roll on 2028

This temporary road sign appeared in Worcester in May 2013. 

No doubt the road will have a grand reopening ceremony in 2028. I hope I get an invitation.  

NT humour

I love this one, spotted at the National Trust's Killerton House, near Exeter. 

(But it would have been better without that unnecessary (un-necessary?) hyphen in "unattended".)

Something for the weekend

Would you shop at a store that can’t cope with simple arithmetic? 

No, no, Co-op! Adding an extra day to a two-day weekend does not make it a third longer; it actually makes it 50 per cent longer. And even if you include Friday evening (six hours, say) in your weekend, you only increase its length by 44 per cent (four-ninths) when you add another 24 hours. You’d have to include the whole of Friday if you want your weekend to be only a third longer when you add a Bank Holiday Monday.